Sometimes we really can't see the forest for the trees. Still devastated one year later. If you are devastated, there is not a time table, no judgement. I hesitate to write much these days. It is a time to be quiet. But I am writing for those who think they should be further along in grieving their loss. May you be encouraged.
My brother took his life just over a year ago. I am just barely beginning to process the loss of this precious man and all he meant to me and to so many. It has taken me a year just to face the tragedy of the loss. So many stages in grieving. This is not a self-indulgent post, but one of benefiting from other people sharing.
I want to urge you (us) to press on. Keep seeking God. That's where I am, because I have hope and truth. John 17:17 says, "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." I believe this to be true, and so I will stick closely to God's words, and not my own.
This past Sunday helped because our Pastor taught from March 8:23-25,
23 "He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”
24 He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”
25 Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly."
This helped me to understand where I am right now. I know what I believe, but I just see "trees." I long to see clearly again! It reminds me of my favorite passage, Acts 17:24-28,
24 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. 28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring."
This morning I also thought about 1 Corinthians 13:12-13,
12 "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
Life hurts everyone at one time or another. I don't have answers, and never will. But I am pressing in none the less, and though our hearts may stay broken until heaven, we have heaven now in our hearts. His Kingdom dwells in us. Colossians 1:27 says, "Christ in us the hope of glory." My hope remains for God's love to continue to fill in the cracks of this broken heart.
So if you ask me right now, how are you? I'm learning to be OK with brokenness, healing comes in stages, but it comes. On my morning run I saw the trees blooming and thought, oh my sweet brother, I wish you had waited to see the blooms, and the healing that comes in stages. But now you are now whole. I know one day I will be whole. One day I will see you again!
These lyrics are my prayer, I have it playing on repeat:
Behold, Hillsong Worship
This next song also speaks volumes to me because before this tragedy I had written so much to encourage others. In Psalm 40 David tells it so well. We encourage and share God's love, but we are also in need. Pause and hit repeat. Verse 17, the last verse says, " As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!"
Even If, Mercy Me