Why Do I Pretend? A Confession

Last night in Girl’s Group, a group of high school girls who meet in our home , our lesson 2 helped us process 6 ways that we minimize sin or struggles in our lives.  We are studying The Gospel-Centered Life by Robert H. Thune and Will Walker.  I love this book !  I am learning great things as I prepare for our group time.  But I was not looking for ways that I "pretend."  I was immediately interested and open, but looking?  No.  I often pray for a teachable heart for my family, myself especially!  So I was primed for a "teachable" moment! 

I want to insert right here that I am just a Christian, rising and falling and testifying to the miraculous grace in my life.  If I encourage just one person that there is hope in Christ, then glory to God, because it sure isn’t about  having it all together.  It’s about God having it all together and sharing Jesus with us.  Proverbs 24: 16 says, “for though the righteous fall seven times they rise again,”

I’ll start with this because it is so amazing!  “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139 is a beautiful back drop for this post.  See how God weaves truth through out this topic of pretending.

I am pretty sure as I name the six ways we pretend,  you will not only know what they mean, but probably know which one you are most likely to do.  So here’s the list:  defending, faking, hiding, exaggerating, blaming, and downplaying.  I knew right off the bat when I was preparing for this lesson which one I tend to do.  If you know me, you probably know as well!  I’ll tell you in a minute.

My favorite quotes in the reading were, “Confession is not a formula.  It’s about restoring relationship.”  And,  “Shame is overcome when someone knows everything about you and still accepts and loves you.”  And finally, “…when we pretend that we’re not broken or thirsty, we short-circuit the work of His grace in our lives.” 

The article we read went along with the story in Mark 2:17 where Jesus called Levi, a tax collector, to be one of His disciples.  When he dines at Levi’s house along with many other tax-collectors, the Pharisees become angry.  They were law abiders outwardly, but their hearts betrayed them.  Jesus’ response to them was simple and profound, “And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”  Jesus did not come to help the people who “had it all together,”  He came to help the sinners, the “sick.”  He is not looking for “pretenders,”  He is looking for the broken.

As we talked about this, we also talked about how we can ask God to reveal what we may be hiding from ourselves.  Sometimes it is easy to pray as David said in Psalm 139:23-24,

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Other times it is terrifying!  It’s good to ask ourselves, do I feel I can pray that prayer today?  The enemy would always want us to run from that prayer.  But who are we kidding?  Psalm 139 starts out by saying in verse 2-4,

“You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.”

It also says in Isaiah 44:22, “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you."  As soon as we repent, confess and turn away from our sin, God forgives us!  Because Jesus died to pay for our sins, we get to wear His righteous robes (Isaiah 61:10)!  Let us not run from the darkness, but turn right into it.  There is grace, mercy and freedom at the cross.  Truth brings freedom!  Even if that truth has some painful consequences, there is still a peace that overrides the discomfort.

Well, why am I rambling on about all this today?  Because I just so happen to be reading another book right now (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero) that has 218 pages in it.   “Randomly” (ha! ha!) I happened to be on page 141 today, and there is a list of common defenses we use in adulthood that block us from growing spiritually and emotionally!  Here is the list:  denial, minimizing, blaming others, blaming yourself, rationalizing, intellectualizing, distracting, and becoming hostile.  The author goes on to say, “Most people who fill churches are “nice” and “respectable.”  Few explode in anger – at least in public.  The majority, like me, stuff these “difficult feelings,” trusting that God will honor our noble efforts.  The result is that we leak through in soft ways such as passive aggressive behavior, sarcastic remarks, a nasty tone of voice, and the giving of the “silent treatment.”

I just found it pretty amazing to see both of these lists within a day of each other on the same topic!  God is doing that all the time, but I recently asked for eyes to see God more clearly at work in my life, and bam, I see Him working in themes all over the place!  Often times in my life I have kept my thoughts locked up inside and then they leaked out in ugly ways.

So I’ll confess one from each list.  From the first list I can see that I will often “hide” my struggle.  This is because I know that in the past I have suffered from depression and anxiety and felt it was such a burden on others that I do not want anyone to think I may be “going there.”  I clearly remember one person trying to be helpful tell me to “fake it ‘til you make it.”  I remember feeling crushed by the weight of that expectation.  At the time I had no more “fake it” left in me!  I was leaking!  That was 12 years ago.  Even now I find that my “go to” is to keep struggles on the “down low.”  I just don’t want anymore “Julie” attention.  Well listen, I need God's attention on me until I meet Him in glory!

From the second list I can see that I will often “intellectualize.”  This means that I see other situations in which people are suffering far more, and so I tell myself my struggle is nothing.  I think that it shouldn’t bother me, and so I should “hide” it.  Either way, I’ve learned that if I don’t take my thoughts captive and bring them into the light of Christ, I will suffer, and so will those around me.  We are really fighting a spiritual battle.  The words in 2 Corinthians 10:5 are not just suggestions.  Paul talks about the battle and that “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  Lord help us not to be “pretenders.”  Help me not to pretend! 

Finally, I will confess a recent example in my life of “pretending.”  It started out with pure honest motives.  I was preparing to share my story last winter with a group of ladies.  I felt like God wanted me to give up some things that were idols in my life.  After time in prayer, I felt that I needed to steer towards “clean eating.”  I’ve had a long history of fibromyalgia, IBS, anxiety and fatigue.  Although I’ve come a long way, I thought that I needed to be a better steward of my body and that I could clean up my diet.  I was truly addicted to sugar and carbs and if I were going to talk about God’s work in my life, I felt He was calling me to shed another layer, and not lean on these things to comfort and soothe myself. 

My stomach felt better almost immediately.  I was not on a diet.  But the enemy seized an opportunity to mess with my fears.  As I eliminated bad foods, I began to fear adding in enough clean foods to replace my calories.  I didn’t want to risk anymore stomach aches.  Long story short, I lost weight without trying to lose weight.  Here’s where the “pretending” comes in.  I began to fear the weight loss and food at the same time.  I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, and yet I didn’t know how to solve my problem.  I began to “hide” behind big cozy sweaters, until it got hot!  A few people asked about my weight and I would say, “it’s probably my longer hair…”  and then change the subject.  Enough about the details.  The point is that I was hiding, “pretending” that I was OK.  I didn’t want people to think I was struggling with eating disorders that were in my distant past, because I was not.  I just had a nutrition problem and felt lost and embarrassed by it.  Why is it so hard to ask for help?  Do any of us mind when other's ask us for help?  No!

Here’s the problem, the more you hide, the bigger your problem becomes.  I am sorry I pretended things were OK.  At first they were!  See how things slip in?  I’m in a good place now – really!  My weight is stable, and I’m learning to try foods without fear.  I could be humiliated by all this, or humbled by it.  God’s grace is allowing me to be humbled by His love and the love and support of those who care and have helped me get back on track.  That takes me back to one of my favorite quotes in my earlier reading, “Shame is overcome when someone knows everything about you and still accepts and loves you.”  I have been blessed with people who love and accept me.  But even more importantly, God knows everything about us and still accepts and loves us!  If you feel you have no where to turn, how about this, the CREATOR of the Universe says, you don’t have to pretend with me.  I came to dine with the tax-collectors.  I came to dine with you.  I love you.  1 John 3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! “

Shine Your light on us, that we may live, and bring you glory!  John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  My theme verse for the year!  I love the song Shine Your Light on Us by Robbie Seay Band and Psalm 139 by Sarah Reeves!  Here are the links:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jib8_vjLvmY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KGK7zaO5dE