Beauty from Ashes - A Continual Process

Please do not carry your pain alone.  You are not alone.  I too carry grief.  So many carry a quiet pain.  Part of it is a new normal that will always be there.  I'm learning to live with loss.  But often still,  that new normal can surprise me and hit hard without warning.  It’s  especially true for many during holidays.   There are many stages and time frames for grief, but one thing is true, it often hits harder at Christmas no matter where you are in your grief.  I say "holistic grieving" because grief affects the mind, body and soul.  Emotional, physical, and spiritual health are a package deal.  I/we need help in all areas. I've shared many times that I've take a maintenance anti-depressant for years because I'm predisposed to anxiety and depression (MIND), and I run to keep my fybromyalgia at bay  (BODY) .  Please don’t feel shame if you need a doctor, or counselor, and or medication. ...

Anxiety/Depression Disorder, yes, I have it, and I have something to say. Even with this diagnosis, I always seek to share HOPE & LIGHT, because God can redeem every story. I shared my story 2 years ago, and am compelled to share it again for anyone who is battling and looking for hope. I sometimes revisit my notes on healing because it is a continual process. A couple years ago I was asked to share my story of God meeting me in my darkest hour, at a ladies retreat. After that I felt it was time to share it in written form. When shared the first blog post, I was in a really good place.  But since then I had a season where I slipped back into fighting my own way. At one point my anxiety meds were at the upper limit and I was taking more and running out. I needed counsel and accountability. My way alone had short term relief and long term misery.  I still try to fight my own way, I'll not be done learning and growing until Heaven. I've had it all. I realize...

Steps.  3 Steps.  It's not that easy, but it's a start!  I have met so many people battling anxiety because I have be straight up about my struggles with anxiety.  Instead of a long post, I really feel lead to share these 3 little steps that add up to HOPE. I could write forever on stories of my anxiety.  You don't need that.  If you struggle, you do need to know that I get it.  Sometimes there are negative reasons that trigger my anxiety, sometimes there are positive triggers!  What?!  How can I be nauseous now!?  It happens!  And sometimes, there is no reason at all!  I get so mad when nausea and fatigue from anxiety barge into my moments!  That is why I want to share with you some things I've learned. But I have a starting point for you if you don't know where to begin.  3 points to be exact.  So here are some encouraging tools.   Each one could be a book of it's own, but those of us that struggle...

My hands hurt, really hurt.  Just being honest here. "Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26 I was telling my sis how frustrating it is that I know truth and yet the anxiety swirling within betrays me when my hands begin to ache.  They ache today, why?  Fibromyalgia makes me mad, until I surrender to God.  My body tells on me.  But sometimes that is what I need!  The pains are not predictable, and often random.  But I also know things that contribute to my pain, anxiety is one!  Sometimes my anxiety is fear driven, and sometimes it is excitement driven.  I had a mix the last couple of weeks. It just is what it is.  Humbling. Today my sis reminded me of truth about me, when she said, "I know there's so much for our brains to get anxious about...it's crazy how our brains and our spi...

This picture is blurry on purpose.  The tree is so beautiful when up close.  But from outside, the view is still beautiful, but unclear and distant.  Life can be that way.  Running in the dark at night, I am hearing God more clearly.  Sometimes the dark times are the times we hear Him the most.  Everything else fades...He is there, always there. Her companions were named Suffering and Sorrow.  Her name was Much Afraid.  She lived in the Valley of Humiliation and she longed to go to the High Places where "perfect love casts out fear." I'm talking about the little girl in the allegory, Hines Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  I've mentioned this book several times over the years.  I haven't read it in a few years, but I have a friend who shares the love of this book.  She is re-reading it now and I decided to as well, to journey it again with her. Our God is so good.  I can not say it enough.  I thought the tim...

I was murmuring to myself about the dark.  I was thinking about how I had to race home to run before dark, and now that's not even possible!  I ordered a reflective vest so oncoming cars could see me.  Tonight was the night.  The darkest run I've had so far, and my reflective vest came just in time - today!  That took the edge off of my murmuring mood and off I went. Now before you think I'm bragging about running, let me just say this.  I. Move. My. Feet.  And, I do this activity 3 times a week at best.  It's not that I am athletic!  Ironically, it actually helps my fibromyalgia pain.  Even when I feel yucky, I know that if I let too many days go by without a run, I will feel even worse.  So there are tons of lessons I learn from this moving of my feet, but tonight it's about the night . I noticed that I really enjoyed the run, and I think it is for a non-athletic reason!  I couldn't see how far I had to go!  All I...

(If you are receiving this in your email, click on the title to go to the blog site where the other posts are filed by date and or topic.) Blogging has somehow killed my writing vibe.  I am asking God if it's time to stop.  I know He asked me to openly and honestly share my story of anxiety, depression, and living with Jesus daily to overcome living in fear.  To share His story in my life.   God delivered me from major anxiety and depression through meditation on His Word, through prayer partners, through doctors...it's all in my first post titled, The God Who Heals! Everything else is daily examples of how God continues to work it out in my life.  This process is not a one time deal.  Oh yes, the mountain has been moved, but if I don't linger in His Word, pray slowly, and love fearlessly, I fight the same battles.  The battles are just smaller, shorter.   They are more like scars from wounds.  A scar may break open and hurt a lot befo...

(to subscribe enter your email in the box above) The other day I wrote from my mama heart.  The thought of a 3rd knee surgery for our boy momentarily made me feel like we were starting over.  I temporarily "projected" the former surgeries into the current situation.  But I did not take into consideration that we have all changed over these past surgeries, and that the even the injury is different this time.   Transformation. This is just one small story out of many in the our family, where God has allowed us to see His hand in the before, during, and after of hardship.  How could I forget the miracles?!  Even for a few days, I forgot.  But not for long, and now I wish I could write to you about every single one them because they are all so amazing! That is what I aim to do in these little tid bits of stories I write about.   It's pretty easy to see the miraculous in your life, when you see it's all miraculous... grace.is.miraculous. Ho...

I have to add a p.s. to my last post.  I wrote in a moment's time the weight of 49 years of battling anxiety.  It was not over the fact that our son might not get to play basketball.  It was about knowing that this is a painful season in his life, and at the same time knowing that God will use it.  It was about my flesh battling fear of how it will affect him, and my spirit knowing that God is with him. In retrospect maybe I should not have posted it.  In light of what is going on in the world it is shallow.  In fact, in light of what my close friends are battling, cancer, it is shallow.  So I am following up.  I can by humiliated by what anxiety can do to me, or humbled by it.  In humility I write posts that are vulnerable and true.  I now want to add to my last post.  Because God says, "I dwell in the high and lofty places with those who are humble and contrite."  Isaiah 57:15.  I am contrite over what fear can do t...