Beauty from Ashes - A Continual Process

The loss of my brother will always take my breath away - that's true for all who miss Joel.  As my heart constricts and my breath leaves, and I feel the deep ache in my chest and throat - even then,  I feel God again.  People said I would, but the despair made it impossible to imagine.  I also know that every day, season, event will bring new filters... I'm sure that in life, we will always be aware of someone suffering.  The ones who can get closest to our heart are those who have suffered in the same way.  In time our inward suffering calls us to outward action. A lot is going on in the world.  Where can God use your pain?  If not yet, some day He will, if you offer it up to Him.  Take your time...I'm taking mine.  But when you're His child, He is close, whether you sense it or not.  God. Is. My. Anchor. I have hope and a taste of His presence again.  Psalm 34 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is g...

You know, when you go through stuff yourself it stinks, until later when you look back and you see God was holding you all the time. You begin to see how he was weaving a story in your life that would eventually be an encouragement to others. You end up loving those opportunities like no other, because what could be more joyful then bringing hope to someone especially when you know what that kind of despair feels like. It's a completely different thing when it's your kids. You know the truth, you know that God loves them more than you ever could, and you know that walking these ropes is strengthening them for an amazing call on their lives.   Well, I have no excuse. But I'll be honest, it can make me feel angry. I never felt angry with my own struggles, ever!  But the "mama bear" thing comes out in you when it's your babies, even if they are grown.  And as much as I know God is holding them, in my flesh I absolutely hate it, and it absolutely make...

Anxiety/Depression Disorder, yes, I have it, and I have something to say. Even with this diagnosis, I always seek to share HOPE & LIGHT, because God can redeem every story. I shared my story 2 years ago, and am compelled to share it again for anyone who is battling and looking for hope. I sometimes revisit my notes on healing because it is a continual process. A couple years ago I was asked to share my story of God meeting me in my darkest hour, at a ladies retreat. After that I felt it was time to share it in written form. When shared the first blog post, I was in a really good place.  But since then I had a season where I slipped back into fighting my own way. At one point my anxiety meds were at the upper limit and I was taking more and running out. I needed counsel and accountability. My way alone had short term relief and long term misery.  I still try to fight my own way, I'll not be done learning and growing until Heaven. I've had it all. I realize...

Steps.  3 Steps.  It's not that easy, but it's a start!  I have met so many people battling anxiety because I have be straight up about my struggles with anxiety.  Instead of a long post, I really feel lead to share these 3 little steps that add up to HOPE. I could write forever on stories of my anxiety.  You don't need that.  If you struggle, you do need to know that I get it.  Sometimes there are negative reasons that trigger my anxiety, sometimes there are positive triggers!  What?!  How can I be nauseous now!?  It happens!  And sometimes, there is no reason at all!  I get so mad when nausea and fatigue from anxiety barge into my moments!  That is why I want to share with you some things I've learned. But I have a starting point for you if you don't know where to begin.  3 points to be exact.  So here are some encouraging tools.   Each one could be a book of it's own, but those of us that struggle...

As I was out running this morning, I was so aware of God really tuning my heart this Advent season.  This will not be an organization of thoughts, but a download of disorganization and how that is OK. I'm more aware this year than ever, that Christmas in all it's beauty is also pain.  We rejoice in the precious baby, God incarnate being born.  We set out lights, candles, cards, cookies, gifts, traditions rich and meaningful to our families and friends.   But they are meaningless if they don't point to the Cross . One year we were given a nail ornament, to represent the nails that went into Jesus.  I always hid that ornament in the bottom of the box because I couldn't reconcile putting in on our celebration tree.  I didn't want anything dark to mark our celebration.   But without the darkness, we never see light. "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."  John 1:5 I'm not saying we should mourn every mom...

This picture is blurry on purpose.  The tree is so beautiful when up close.  But from outside, the view is still beautiful, but unclear and distant.  Life can be that way.  Running in the dark at night, I am hearing God more clearly.  Sometimes the dark times are the times we hear Him the most.  Everything else fades...He is there, always there. Her companions were named Suffering and Sorrow.  Her name was Much Afraid.  She lived in the Valley of Humiliation and she longed to go to the High Places where "perfect love casts out fear." I'm talking about the little girl in the allegory, Hines Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  I've mentioned this book several times over the years.  I haven't read it in a few years, but I have a friend who shares the love of this book.  She is re-reading it now and I decided to as well, to journey it again with her. Our God is so good.  I can not say it enough.  I thought the tim...

(to subscribe enter your email in the box above) The other day I wrote from my mama heart.  The thought of a 3rd knee surgery for our boy momentarily made me feel like we were starting over.  I temporarily "projected" the former surgeries into the current situation.  But I did not take into consideration that we have all changed over these past surgeries, and that the even the injury is different this time.   Transformation. This is just one small story out of many in the our family, where God has allowed us to see His hand in the before, during, and after of hardship.  How could I forget the miracles?!  Even for a few days, I forgot.  But not for long, and now I wish I could write to you about every single one them because they are all so amazing! That is what I aim to do in these little tid bits of stories I write about.   It's pretty easy to see the miraculous in your life, when you see it's all miraculous... grace.is.miraculous. Ho...

This is my "letting go" bush. A friend gave it to me the first August our girl left home.  This post may be too much information, or possibly shallow for some.  But I'm humbly sharing for the one who needs this connection.  The one who fears that being shaken and undone is the end and not the beginning of something good.  And I might add here, that while I'm incredibly honest about the struggles of anxiety, God has given me great joy, and I enjoy Him and the life He has path before me!  I love His Divine appointments! Yes I'm about to download a mashup of my soul.  For some who are "older," a "mashup" is when several things happen at once...most commonly songs.  Someone creatively blends and morphs one song into another.  Sometimes we need to mashup our stories, the ones that point to Jesus.  That is my intention. Well, I am not being creative here.  I am being honest.  Honest about life with Jesus.  My life wit...

Close call? That's what happens when we get distracted. Applies to the physical and spiritual realm of life. Whether driving, or planning your day, distraction can disarm us!  When I am distracted, I am prone to self sabotage!  Now if we are talking about our "old" self, that is good!   Galatians 2:20 says,  " My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."   The bad thing is when I self sabotage the "new" me .  It comes so easily.  It's my weak spot!   2 Corinthians 5:17 says,  " This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"   My CHRONIC PRAYER of "EMPTY ME AND FILL WITH THEE," is a very good and necessary prayer!  It's no secret that in my past, fear had a total grip on my life.  Now it just gri...