Afraid to love. I understand.
A friend posted a quote by Irvin D. Yalom and for feedback from fellow fb friends. I responded saying simply - "rejection hurts." Later she asked me if I would elaborate on my comment. I did. I've prayerfully decided to share my heart on this most vulnerable topic.
Irvin D. Yalom who wrote, “There was a time in our lives when we were so close that nothing seemed to obstruct our friendship and brotherhood, and only a small footbridge separated us. Just as you were about to step on it, I asked you "Do you want to cross the footbridge to me?" - Immediately you did not want to anymore; and when I asked you again you remained silent. Since then mountains and torrential rivers and whatever separates and alienates have been cast between us, and even if we wanted to get together, we couldn't. But when you now think of that little footbridge, words fail you and you sob and marvel.”
Childhood wounds, and a great need for the Father’s Healing and redemption in my life have given me perspective on "rejection." God has brought much healing. There is no one to blame in this story. There is One to praise though. Jesus reached down and opened my eyes to true love, His love.
Until I came into a deeper understanding of my relationship with God the Father, and His love for me, I lived as an orphan…clinging to others or self for acceptance, approval, and "enough" love to cover the pain. I lived that way for more than half my life. As an “orphan” I FEARED REJECTION in the extreme. I won't go into detail, but my personality paired with childhood circumstances created the perfect storm. Rejection felt worse than death to me. Even though the Lord has healed me greatly in this area, I sometimes I am that person inviting someone over the "footbridge" that Yalom refers to. Sometimes I am that one who will not cross over the "footbridge," even when invited. In either case, it is to protect myself from rejection. It is easier for me to reject myself before someone else has a chance to reject me! Self-sabotage, as I call it, it is just as wounding.
As a young teen I turned to an eating disorder, desperately seeking acceptance. I always felt so ugly. I did not let the real me, that one Jesus was calling out, come out. My eating disorder came back in monster form as a young 30 something mom of two, and like Pandora's box, opened a black hole of never ending obstacles to peace. It emptied my soul of all of me, and I slipped into deep clinical depression. I had splintered myself into pieces trying to help friends and family to be “ok” and to never feel pain like I did. I did not know that it was the path to rock bottom for me.
My efforts to protect and help others was my way of making up for my pain. But it left me paralyzed in the face of rejection. I actually used to ponder Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
I actually convinced myself that the pain of lost love was worse than not loving or being loved. Rejection created a true visceral response that made me physically sick to my stomach. The walls of isolation began to close in.
It. Is. Not. Better.
Fast forward…God began the beautiful deep soul surgery as my heart laid wide open. It really felt that way. I think my heart hurt so much that it really physically hurt. And yet I could begin to feel the Master Surgeon's hands working on my soul - soul surgery. By God's grace, I began to soak in His Word and study on His love. I began to believe I was adopted by the Father, (Ephesians 1) and that “who I am” is not defined by “what happened to me,” but that "Who God is" defines “who I am in Him!” This changes everything! 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” God helps us to love like Him, unconditionally. Loving without expectation of anything coming back is the way we are called to love.
This. Heals. Rejection.
But I will say, when I am not in the Word and prayer, it is easy for me to slip into that fear and build those walls again. It is a slippery slope. Often I would rather jump out of a relationship before it has a chance to hurt me.
One of my favorite books of the Bible is Hosea because of the picture of unconditional love. One of my favorite classics is "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnnard. God used these readings to heal me, change me. Years ago my prayer began to be from Psalm 19:13-14, "Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." This passage helps me to recognize when my flesh is ruling or the Spirit of God is ruling in my heart.
I pray that if you struggle with accepting love, you will see how much God loves you. 1 John 3:1 says, "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! " Lord let us love like you love us. Help us to risk love with self abandon, for that is love in it's truest form. Thank you for loving me when I have rejected You. You pursued me relentlessly, thank you God.
United Pursuit, Never Going Back
United Pursuit, Simple Gospel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy-HiKhX78oJonathan David & Melissa Helser
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8TkUMJtK5k
Comments
Post a Comment