When the unimaginable happens - BEING HELD
To my precious family, it is OK not to read this. I love you. And it's OK to not be OK.
It's been a 6 month season to be quiet. I will continue to be quiet. But I will take a moment to share that God is indescribably close to the broken hearted. Many of you are walking through an intense season of suffering right now. You are not alone.
That is what I know today. That is a truth that I have been clinging to, but that is not always what it feels like. I'm sharing today because we all have faced suffering, or are in the throws of suffering now, and sometimes we need to know that someone understands what it feels like, when the unimaginable happens.
I hesitate to write because I'm still grieving, learning, and respecting the grief of my loved ones in the tragic loss of my brother in March 2016. He was the last person we ever dreamt would take his own life... We are all still in the throws of shock, pain, disbelief, unending questions, finding hope, and needing to walk through these doors one at a time.
And to you our friends, there is no right or wrong thing to say as you journey alongside. You have spoken, hugged, written, called, loved... thank you for being there for us. For stepping into our chaos and loving on us. As awkward as it may feel for you at times, it is a balm to our souls, believe that.
So I am simply writing you a letter, a glimpse of what I know now, and what I still long to know. I have FOUGHT to be OK, for fear of the darkness. I have resisted the FREE GIFT OF BEING HELD in the darkness. I have feared my own desperate thoughts, my own body physically crumbling with fatigue, pain and illness, and it has.
I have feared my own inability to see light. Feared I would not be able to help everyone else be OK too. Feared what this pain would do to them. Feared that my true raw grief would cause others to flee - you have not. That God would flee - HE WILL NEVER LEAVE! But when everyone you love hurts at once, you need certainty that God will hold all the pieces - even when you can not see Him.
I have silently lived as though clawing at the edges of a cliff - yet by God's grace clinging to His daily "Manna" that I could not even see. By that I mean, the daily grace that levels my path. The grace for just one day at a time.
Lord, please sink this deep into my soul - with You - it will be well. You have been here all along. I've never once doubted Your goodness God, that is the one thing I have kept before me. You have kept before me.
I think back on the last 6 months of turmoil in my soul, and in all the souls who loved and were loved by my brother. Some of the chaos in my mind is just now beginning to clear, just beginning... I am beginning to reflect on the beautiful things about Joel, and the many ways he blessed my life and everyone he knew...the list is endless!
Joel was a good dad, husband, uncle, son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend. He never knew a stranger. In fact, he went out of his way to draw in the lonely. I will forever hold onto the last hug I gave him. It makes me smile every time. He thought I was done hugging and he turned around, but I was still attached to his neck! His motion twirled me through the air. We laughed so hard! I loved laughing with him!
But while walking this road, I recently read a quote by Edward Welch, in his book Running Scared, that said "Whatever you think you need will control you."
This morning, though it may sound "vague", the "whatever" that has controlled me in these last months has been my desperate belief that I have to be OK. To be OK for myself, and for all my family. To walk through grief and not suffer emotionally, physically, or spiritually too deeply BECAUSE, as a child, "suffering" was not a safe place. I think many can relate to that.
As a kid I believed in God with childlike faith, but I didn't really grasp that Jesus suffered in our place, and that He walks out suffering with us daily, ready to shoulder the weight. He says that He collects our tears.
As life unfolds, God begins to peal back the layers of self-protection, and reveal that He is our Protector, our Comforter, in the midst of our greatest pain. But I have been running scared anyway. And its OK. But in the running I have not escaped the pain. You can't. There is no way around it, I/we have to walk through it.
Now I see this. Now I see that the suffering is all part of the darkness that WILL NOT OVERCOME me. But it is part of the path. To walk in darkness with faith.
I have declared this verse for over 2 years now - but I could not receive it when I needed it most.
I know now, that I have been, we have been, and continue to BE HELD BY GOD. I know God will use the suffering and He will heal me/us. Hopefully one day we can bring hope to those who walk this path. To bring awareness to, and prevention of this kind of loss, as well as comfort to the survivors. But as I/we wait, God is the HOLDER OF ME. OF US.
I don't have answers, the grief will take its course. As I waive the white flag, I'm not giving up. I'm gaining hope. I feel God's presence. I felt like there has been a ceiling between God and me these last months. I can't describe it, but I need to say that God is showing Himself with tiny embers of hope glowing again. I want to share that, because if you are in a dark place, you need to hear that. For so long, I could not imagine that would ever be possible.
I have a long way to go... I just want to call my brother, I love him, and I can't believe it's true. I know I will be with my brother again in Heaven. But for now I hold onto this...
Hold Onto me, by Elevation Worship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggznUgciT3Y
Exhale, by Plumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOgUjSW4agg&list=RDdOgUjSW4agg
Need You Now, by Plumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4
Lord I'm Ready Now, by Plumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24
A Time for Everything Ecclesiastes 3
There is an appointed time for everything.
It's been a 6 month season to be quiet. I will continue to be quiet. But I will take a moment to share that God is indescribably close to the broken hearted. Many of you are walking through an intense season of suffering right now. You are not alone.
Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
I hesitate to write because I'm still grieving, learning, and respecting the grief of my loved ones in the tragic loss of my brother in March 2016. He was the last person we ever dreamt would take his own life... We are all still in the throws of shock, pain, disbelief, unending questions, finding hope, and needing to walk through these doors one at a time.
And to you our friends, there is no right or wrong thing to say as you journey alongside. You have spoken, hugged, written, called, loved... thank you for being there for us. For stepping into our chaos and loving on us. As awkward as it may feel for you at times, it is a balm to our souls, believe that.
So I am simply writing you a letter, a glimpse of what I know now, and what I still long to know. I have FOUGHT to be OK, for fear of the darkness. I have resisted the FREE GIFT OF BEING HELD in the darkness. I have feared my own desperate thoughts, my own body physically crumbling with fatigue, pain and illness, and it has.
I have feared my own inability to see light. Feared I would not be able to help everyone else be OK too. Feared what this pain would do to them. Feared that my true raw grief would cause others to flee - you have not. That God would flee - HE WILL NEVER LEAVE! But when everyone you love hurts at once, you need certainty that God will hold all the pieces - even when you can not see Him.
I have silently lived as though clawing at the edges of a cliff - yet by God's grace clinging to His daily "Manna" that I could not even see. By that I mean, the daily grace that levels my path. The grace for just one day at a time.
Isaiah 42:16 "And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them."
Lord, please sink this deep into my soul - with You - it will be well. You have been here all along. I've never once doubted Your goodness God, that is the one thing I have kept before me. You have kept before me.
God. Is. Good.
I think back on the last 6 months of turmoil in my soul, and in all the souls who loved and were loved by my brother. Some of the chaos in my mind is just now beginning to clear, just beginning... I am beginning to reflect on the beautiful things about Joel, and the many ways he blessed my life and everyone he knew...the list is endless!
Joel was a good dad, husband, uncle, son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend. He never knew a stranger. In fact, he went out of his way to draw in the lonely. I will forever hold onto the last hug I gave him. It makes me smile every time. He thought I was done hugging and he turned around, but I was still attached to his neck! His motion twirled me through the air. We laughed so hard! I loved laughing with him!
But while walking this road, I recently read a quote by Edward Welch, in his book Running Scared, that said "Whatever you think you need will control you."
This morning, though it may sound "vague", the "whatever" that has controlled me in these last months has been my desperate belief that I have to be OK. To be OK for myself, and for all my family. To walk through grief and not suffer emotionally, physically, or spiritually too deeply BECAUSE, as a child, "suffering" was not a safe place. I think many can relate to that.
As a kid I believed in God with childlike faith, but I didn't really grasp that Jesus suffered in our place, and that He walks out suffering with us daily, ready to shoulder the weight. He says that He collects our tears.
Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book."
As life unfolds, God begins to peal back the layers of self-protection, and reveal that He is our Protector, our Comforter, in the midst of our greatest pain. But I have been running scared anyway. And its OK. But in the running I have not escaped the pain. You can't. There is no way around it, I/we have to walk through it.
Now I see this. Now I see that the suffering is all part of the darkness that WILL NOT OVERCOME me. But it is part of the path. To walk in darkness with faith.
Only. Possible. With. Grace.
John 1:5 says, "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."
I have declared this verse for over 2 years now - but I could not receive it when I needed it most.
I know now, that I have been, we have been, and continue to BE HELD BY GOD. I know God will use the suffering and He will heal me/us. Hopefully one day we can bring hope to those who walk this path. To bring awareness to, and prevention of this kind of loss, as well as comfort to the survivors. But as I/we wait, God is the HOLDER OF ME. OF US.
I don't have answers, the grief will take its course. As I waive the white flag, I'm not giving up. I'm gaining hope. I feel God's presence. I felt like there has been a ceiling between God and me these last months. I can't describe it, but I need to say that God is showing Himself with tiny embers of hope glowing again. I want to share that, because if you are in a dark place, you need to hear that. For so long, I could not imagine that would ever be possible.
I have a long way to go... I just want to call my brother, I love him, and I can't believe it's true. I know I will be with my brother again in Heaven. But for now I hold onto this...
Psalm 27 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection."
Hold Onto me, by Elevation Worship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggznUgciT3Y
Exhale, by Plumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOgUjSW4agg&list=RDdOgUjSW4agg
Need You Now, by Plumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4
Lord I'm Ready Now, by Plumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24
A Time for Everything Ecclesiastes 3
There is an appointed time for everything.
And there is a time for every event under heaven...
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance...
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak...
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance...
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak...
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