A Soul Mashup. (Part I) "And so we start over," again. Panic attacks and Jesus!
This is my "letting go" bush.
Yes I'm about to download a mashup of my soul. For some who are "older," a "mashup" is when several things happen at once...most commonly songs. Someone creatively blends and morphs one song into another. Sometimes we need to mashup our stories, the ones that point to Jesus. That is my intention.
Well, I am not being creative here. I am being honest. Honest about life with Jesus. My life with Jesus in particular. Since I was little, I've been called to painful honesty! Only since Jesus began healing my soul, did the painful honesty become life giving honesty. I wouldn't want it any other way. Life with Jesus does not mean that all our wounds are healed up, we stop sinning, and that we are happy all the time. Life with Jesus does mean He is with us when our wounds break open, He forgives us when we honestly repent, and He carries us through the darkness, because He is light, John 1:5.
I've shared in the past that I do have a genetic component of simmering anxiety. They call it generalized anxiety disorder. For me it's like my heart racing at about a 5 on most days. 1 being total peace, and 10 being total angst! Mashup that with some confused childhood/teen/20something pain and by 32 years old I hit bottom, clinical depression. I only mention it here because it was at that point that the seeds of truth sown in my soul began to take root. From that dark place I grew to trust Jesus.
Fast forward and there's more mashing. The mashing of chronic fatigue at 19, endometriosis at 30, full on depression and anxiety at age 34, fibromyalgia and age 40, and a fun new one, innerstitial cystitis at 48. But this is not a mashup of pity or despair. These are the ashes out of which God continues to grow beauty in my soul. I would not KNOW HIM THE WAY I KNOW HIM without these parts of my story. Because all throughout His story in me, He has been planting seeds of truth. "Sanctify them by Your Word, Your word is truth. John 17:17 The verse that God began to build upon 15 years ago was Psalm 138:8 "The LORD will work out his plans for my life--for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."
The past two weeks have been unsettling for us, and in the middle of it all God "just so happened" to have me be reading about the parable of the seeds in the gospels. Matthew 13:18-23:
8 “Hear then the parable of the sower: 19 When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path. 20 As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.22 As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. 23 As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.”
Well, I am not being creative here. I am being honest. Honest about life with Jesus. My life with Jesus in particular. Since I was little, I've been called to painful honesty! Only since Jesus began healing my soul, did the painful honesty become life giving honesty. I wouldn't want it any other way. Life with Jesus does not mean that all our wounds are healed up, we stop sinning, and that we are happy all the time. Life with Jesus does mean He is with us when our wounds break open, He forgives us when we honestly repent, and He carries us through the darkness, because He is light, John 1:5.
I've shared in the past that I do have a genetic component of simmering anxiety. They call it generalized anxiety disorder. For me it's like my heart racing at about a 5 on most days. 1 being total peace, and 10 being total angst! Mashup that with some confused childhood/teen/20something pain and by 32 years old I hit bottom, clinical depression. I only mention it here because it was at that point that the seeds of truth sown in my soul began to take root. From that dark place I grew to trust Jesus.
Fast forward and there's more mashing. The mashing of chronic fatigue at 19, endometriosis at 30, full on depression and anxiety at age 34, fibromyalgia and age 40, and a fun new one, innerstitial cystitis at 48. But this is not a mashup of pity or despair. These are the ashes out of which God continues to grow beauty in my soul. I would not KNOW HIM THE WAY I KNOW HIM without these parts of my story. Because all throughout His story in me, He has been planting seeds of truth. "Sanctify them by Your Word, Your word is truth. John 17:17 The verse that God began to build upon 15 years ago was Psalm 138:8 "The LORD will work out his plans for my life--for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."
The past two weeks have been unsettling for us, and in the middle of it all God "just so happened" to have me be reading about the parable of the seeds in the gospels. Matthew 13:18-23:
8 “Hear then the parable of the sower: 19 When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path. 20 As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.22 As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. 23 As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.”
I've been mindful everyday of the seeds in my heart, are they blowing away? Taking root? Multiplying? My soul longs to multiply seeds of truth in other souls.
So here is the here and now. I am again re-visiting 2 Corinthians 10:5 "Casting down vain imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" This is how God works in my soul, and how He longs to work in all our souls, buy ministering truth to us from His Word and us trusting in His promise that He is always praying for us.
I had to lay out that ground work in order for the truths of who God is to outweigh the the weeds that I am about to uncover. There are weeds and seeds. I've already been doing diligent soul work on what will the new normal be next year? How will God show our son and us where he is to go to college? Throw in any bit of the national news, and there was already a storm brewing in my soul. I've stayed in Matthew 6, praying the Lord's Prayer and speaking out truth self-talk about "not worrying about tomorrow," for anyone, anything on the list I lay before the Lord.
What has brought about this moment, this post, these thoughts? Well, I can't believe I'm writing this, but I am, "and so we start over." I already wrote that post last year! I'm glad I don't have to wait for total healing, to share what God is doing and is capable of doing in all our souls. If I wait, I won't share. He's asked me to be honest in the middle of it all.
"And so we start over," means our son will most likely have his 3rd knee surgery in 3 years. 10th grade right ACL, 11th grade left ACL, 12th grade left meniscus, severity TBD. I am not hiding what this does to my soul. Amidst the far deeper tragic moments in this world, we are faced with our intimate immediate family trial. I do not doubt that God will see Josh through this and this is bigger for him than for me. But this mama heart bleeds too. I KNOW that God is weaving Josh's story and meeting him there. But I still bleed.
Josh has asked for us to be positive, to eat healthy, and to pray as we await the possibility/probability of surgery. We don't know how this will impact basketball yet. But we do know that it will impact his life. He has asked for strong roots, I will honor that. That is what parents are called to do. And God promises us that "He gently leads those with young." Isaiah 40:11.
I feel the weight of the seeds and the sower passage in the gospels. Yes I have seeds of truth, I have deep roots, and we can circle the wagons knowing that what the enemy means for evil, God means for good. Genesis 50:20. The story of Joseph. So with that truth tethering my soul, I will share how I do battle, because I am doing battle!
One of my greatest triggers is fear of darkness/depression. I know in my heart that we are over comers, and there is fruit in our family of that. We've all tasted of depression, some more than others. Because I've been there, and because some of my loved ones have been there, when the possibility of it looms, there it is, the trigger. I fear darkness for anyone, and for me. As a mama, especially for my kids. I need to trust God here. Even if our son walks through darkness, Godis on His throne and will comfort him and carry him and bring fruit. Psalm 23. For me, a trigger takes my anxiety up to a 10 in a single thought. The thought that this could be the injury that takes our son to darkness can take me to darkness in a heart beat. It seems selfish, but if I don't attack back, I will fail, as a mom, wife, and friend. The mind of the Spirit is life and peace, the mind of the flesh is death. Romans 8.
So after the long intro, here is the mashup of my soul. There are weeds God is uprooting, and seeds God is revealing. There has already been despair in me, and at the same time, great delight as I see God weaving our son's story. Our son has fruit! He is drawn, He is open, He is communicating. This will be hard. But I have to let go and let God. God has proved Himself too many times for me to fear. I have seen God save me out of darkness, I have seen Him weave great beauty from our daughter's dark season. We testify of these things, they are true and God is victorious in our lives! But when we bleed, we need to know
These things are all on my mind at the same time, and they oppose each other. But because my soul is anchored in Jesus and His Word, I stay afloat. The purple are seeds of truth. The truth makes the darkness flee. Jesus makes the darkness flee. Sometimes the good and bad are a mashup experience! The two often happen at once, and in the life of a believer, truth wins, good over comes evil!
1. I am aware of the need to praise praise praise Jesus in and throughout all my talks with Him. (enter His gates thanksgiving and His courts with praise...Psalm 100:4)
2. I am aware of how easily my soul falls in to "please others" mode and quickly can turn to self-hatred when I let people down.
3. I died to myself when I came into relationship with Jesus, so the old self is hated, but the new self LIVES IN ME and Jesus is the lover of my soul! ( the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me...Romans 8:11)
4. I hate how my nerves struggle through the daily "normals" of life while others "soar" above on incredibly difficult daily tasks. ( the fruit of comparisons)
5. I plead the blood of Jesus over friends battling cancer, moms and dads letting go of kids, empty nesters, lost dreams, difficult jobs, the trials of life...I pray with and for these people with powerful conviction and Scripture brought to mind by the Holy Spirit, not me! He meets me in praying with others!
6. I fail in praying for myself, in believing for me, what I believe for others. I isolate. Maybe I'm not qualified to pray with others. Truth, I'm qualified because I am justified through Jesus death, not because I have a good day or a bad day spiritually. It's all Jesus! All grace!
7. This little cycle of dysfunctional thinking is wasting time while Christians and non Christians are literally running for their lives all over the world. (Syrian crisis of refugees) Truth: guilt over internal struggles will take me to Jesus and there and only there, enable me to serve in other realms.
8. I lay my head on a soft mattress and pillow and thank God for the portion He has assigned for my life. (Psalm 16)
9. I literally begin to break at the thought of our son facing a 3rd knee surgery, the 3rd year in a row. It's his senior year and all he's dreamed about and loved playing basketball since he was 5. ( his elementary age quote, " I want to play in the NBA, and my fall back is to be a prof like my dad.). I feel intense guilt over my heart breaking.
10. What will this setback do to him? Will darkness return to one of us? To him? ( my fear of depression for my children )
11. What if I lose this friend because I can't get it together? What if they find out?
12. What if I lose this friend because there is a new health issue that I battle? What is wrong with me? Why can't I muster up the physical healings?
13. Thank you Lord for helping me to manage flare ups and You give me relief! Thank you for drawing me to you when I don't feel well, and for meeting me in the middle of the night with your feast of truth! Psalm 63:5-6
14. What if the anxiety flares up too big this time and I'm not the wife and mother that I'm called to be? What if I'm the burden instead of the answer? The truth here? I'm not the answer, God is.
15. Why do I love people so much and want to invest in them so much and deliver soul truth so much, and at the same time can hardly breathe when walking into to a large room full of people?
16. In my weakness He is strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
17. God is not a dream crusher, God is a dream maker!
18. I will continue to fill up on the Word. I will be honest about my #10 moments, and I will by the grace of God pull out the weeds! I think it is obvious which of these are weeds, and which are seeds.
19. I don't have to have it all together to share the One Who has it all together.
20. It's a sin to struggle when other's have bigger struggles. LIE
21. Sometimes its OK, just to be held.
22. If members of my family know of my struggles, they will be disappointed in me, or brought down.
23. If we are not honest at home, we are not honest. All cards on the table, that is the best way to live with Jesus and family and friends.
24. He has my heart, He holds my heart, He hears my heart, He says "all who are weary and heavy laden come unto Me. Matthew 11:28
25. Trust God! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
26. "And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5
I hope you will not fixate on the darkness shared, but on the HOPE we have in Christ and that He will help you to take your thoughts captive if you are struggling. Let the seeds take root, Go to Jesus, go to a friend, go to your spiritual leader...go. I am just one sister sharing just one story. But inside this introvert is someone with a story who wants to point to Jesus, whether I'm at a #10 or a #1. Don't worry about me, God has me in His grip. He has you in is grip too!
This is my "go to" sermon. I've listened at least 100 times and would encourage at the very least the first 23 minutes as you jog, clean, nap...it's life giving. John Piper, Abiding In Me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOkLP6VHtWk
Casting Crowns, Just to be held
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ
Needtobreathe, Multiplied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGF-MGGLpB0
Hillsong United, Captian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_oR5Twx-RU
So here is the here and now. I am again re-visiting 2 Corinthians 10:5 "Casting down vain imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" This is how God works in my soul, and how He longs to work in all our souls, buy ministering truth to us from His Word and us trusting in His promise that He is always praying for us.
I had to lay out that ground work in order for the truths of who God is to outweigh the the weeds that I am about to uncover. There are weeds and seeds. I've already been doing diligent soul work on what will the new normal be next year? How will God show our son and us where he is to go to college? Throw in any bit of the national news, and there was already a storm brewing in my soul. I've stayed in Matthew 6, praying the Lord's Prayer and speaking out truth self-talk about "not worrying about tomorrow," for anyone, anything on the list I lay before the Lord.
Trigger
What has brought about this moment, this post, these thoughts? Well, I can't believe I'm writing this, but I am, "and so we start over." I already wrote that post last year! I'm glad I don't have to wait for total healing, to share what God is doing and is capable of doing in all our souls. If I wait, I won't share. He's asked me to be honest in the middle of it all.
"And so we start over," means our son will most likely have his 3rd knee surgery in 3 years. 10th grade right ACL, 11th grade left ACL, 12th grade left meniscus, severity TBD. I am not hiding what this does to my soul. Amidst the far deeper tragic moments in this world, we are faced with our intimate immediate family trial. I do not doubt that God will see Josh through this and this is bigger for him than for me. But this mama heart bleeds too. I KNOW that God is weaving Josh's story and meeting him there. But I still bleed.
Josh has asked for us to be positive, to eat healthy, and to pray as we await the possibility/probability of surgery. We don't know how this will impact basketball yet. But we do know that it will impact his life. He has asked for strong roots, I will honor that. That is what parents are called to do. And God promises us that "He gently leads those with young." Isaiah 40:11.
I feel the weight of the seeds and the sower passage in the gospels. Yes I have seeds of truth, I have deep roots, and we can circle the wagons knowing that what the enemy means for evil, God means for good. Genesis 50:20. The story of Joseph. So with that truth tethering my soul, I will share how I do battle, because I am doing battle!
One of my greatest triggers is fear of darkness/depression. I know in my heart that we are over comers, and there is fruit in our family of that. We've all tasted of depression, some more than others. Because I've been there, and because some of my loved ones have been there, when the possibility of it looms, there it is, the trigger. I fear darkness for anyone, and for me. As a mama, especially for my kids. I need to trust God here. Even if our son walks through darkness, Godis on His throne and will comfort him and carry him and bring fruit. Psalm 23. For me, a trigger takes my anxiety up to a 10 in a single thought. The thought that this could be the injury that takes our son to darkness can take me to darkness in a heart beat. It seems selfish, but if I don't attack back, I will fail, as a mom, wife, and friend. The mind of the Spirit is life and peace, the mind of the flesh is death. Romans 8.
So after the long intro, here is the mashup of my soul. There are weeds God is uprooting, and seeds God is revealing. There has already been despair in me, and at the same time, great delight as I see God weaving our son's story. Our son has fruit! He is drawn, He is open, He is communicating. This will be hard. But I have to let go and let God. God has proved Himself too many times for me to fear. I have seen God save me out of darkness, I have seen Him weave great beauty from our daughter's dark season. We testify of these things, they are true and God is victorious in our lives! But when we bleed, we need to know
"Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116:2
1. I am aware of the need to praise praise praise Jesus in and throughout all my talks with Him. (enter His gates thanksgiving and His courts with praise...Psalm 100:4)
2. I am aware of how easily my soul falls in to "please others" mode and quickly can turn to self-hatred when I let people down.
3. I died to myself when I came into relationship with Jesus, so the old self is hated, but the new self LIVES IN ME and Jesus is the lover of my soul! ( the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me...Romans 8:11)
4. I hate how my nerves struggle through the daily "normals" of life while others "soar" above on incredibly difficult daily tasks. ( the fruit of comparisons)
5. I plead the blood of Jesus over friends battling cancer, moms and dads letting go of kids, empty nesters, lost dreams, difficult jobs, the trials of life...I pray with and for these people with powerful conviction and Scripture brought to mind by the Holy Spirit, not me! He meets me in praying with others!
6. I fail in praying for myself, in believing for me, what I believe for others. I isolate. Maybe I'm not qualified to pray with others. Truth, I'm qualified because I am justified through Jesus death, not because I have a good day or a bad day spiritually. It's all Jesus! All grace!
7. This little cycle of dysfunctional thinking is wasting time while Christians and non Christians are literally running for their lives all over the world. (Syrian crisis of refugees) Truth: guilt over internal struggles will take me to Jesus and there and only there, enable me to serve in other realms.
8. I lay my head on a soft mattress and pillow and thank God for the portion He has assigned for my life. (Psalm 16)
9. I literally begin to break at the thought of our son facing a 3rd knee surgery, the 3rd year in a row. It's his senior year and all he's dreamed about and loved playing basketball since he was 5. ( his elementary age quote, " I want to play in the NBA, and my fall back is to be a prof like my dad.). I feel intense guilt over my heart breaking.
10. What will this setback do to him? Will darkness return to one of us? To him? ( my fear of depression for my children )
11. What if I lose this friend because I can't get it together? What if they find out?
12. What if I lose this friend because there is a new health issue that I battle? What is wrong with me? Why can't I muster up the physical healings?
13. Thank you Lord for helping me to manage flare ups and You give me relief! Thank you for drawing me to you when I don't feel well, and for meeting me in the middle of the night with your feast of truth! Psalm 63:5-6
14. What if the anxiety flares up too big this time and I'm not the wife and mother that I'm called to be? What if I'm the burden instead of the answer? The truth here? I'm not the answer, God is.
15. Why do I love people so much and want to invest in them so much and deliver soul truth so much, and at the same time can hardly breathe when walking into to a large room full of people?
16. In my weakness He is strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
17. God is not a dream crusher, God is a dream maker!
18. I will continue to fill up on the Word. I will be honest about my #10 moments, and I will by the grace of God pull out the weeds! I think it is obvious which of these are weeds, and which are seeds.
19. I don't have to have it all together to share the One Who has it all together.
20. It's a sin to struggle when other's have bigger struggles. LIE
21. Sometimes its OK, just to be held.
22. If members of my family know of my struggles, they will be disappointed in me, or brought down.
23. If we are not honest at home, we are not honest. All cards on the table, that is the best way to live with Jesus and family and friends.
24. He has my heart, He holds my heart, He hears my heart, He says "all who are weary and heavy laden come unto Me. Matthew 11:28
25. Trust God! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
26. "And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5
I hope you will not fixate on the darkness shared, but on the HOPE we have in Christ and that He will help you to take your thoughts captive if you are struggling. Let the seeds take root, Go to Jesus, go to a friend, go to your spiritual leader...go. I am just one sister sharing just one story. But inside this introvert is someone with a story who wants to point to Jesus, whether I'm at a #10 or a #1. Don't worry about me, God has me in His grip. He has you in is grip too!
This is my "go to" sermon. I've listened at least 100 times and would encourage at the very least the first 23 minutes as you jog, clean, nap...it's life giving. John Piper, Abiding In Me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOkLP6VHtWk
Casting Crowns, Just to be held
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ
Needtobreathe, Multiplied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGF-MGGLpB0
Hillsong United, Captian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_oR5Twx-RU
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