The God Who Heals!

Seasons of fear, depression, anxiety, self-hatred, insecurity, illness, headaches…used to define my life.  I knew I was a Christian, but I lived and felt like an “orphan.”  My back story is common to many.  The brokenness in my childhood family was not wasted.  My disposition to anxiety and the crushing blow of people against the ministry my family was doing collided.  It drew us to Jesus for healing.  He never lets go!

I’ve been praying about how, or when, or if to share my story in blog form.  I believe God is saying it’s time.  I also believe that the specifics of my story are not necessary to convey the faithfulness of God.  All of us have stories.  The important thing is that we point each other to God, that we give hope.  The Word says in Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”  It also says in 1 Peter 3:15,  “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” We need HIS light to shine through our stories, giving hope to others. 

About 12 years ago God began to shift my heart from because “I was” (fill in the former circumstances) therefore “I am”  ( self- condemning label), to because “God is” (fill in the characteristics of God)  therefore “I am” (who HE says I am!).  I am a child of God!

I’ve also learned to accept these seasons not as punishment, but as “refinement.”  I still have spells of fibromyalgia flares, fatigue, and anxiety.  God’s work in our lives, does not remove all our weaknesses.  Nor do we cease to sin.  But, when we believe that Jesus Christ is our Redeemer, we know that HE completely justified us at salvation through the payment of the blood of the perfect spotless Lamb, Jesus.  That is, the Father sees us as perfect, and our the debt of our sins is paid.  Then HE continues to sanctify (purify) us throughout our lives, drawing us closer in relationship to HIM and victorious living.  His desire is for us to bear fruit that brings HIM glory, Colossians 1:9-14.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Instead of living in condemnation, I know I have direct access to HIS throne, through Jesus Christ.  Hebrews 4:16 says “Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

He draws me closer with my weaknesses.  I know that HE will work out HIS purposes for my life whether in difficulty or in ease.  Psalm 138:8 explains in the following section.

My Path to Healing began in 2002

I was so ready for help, but didn’t know where to turn.  My depression was full blown and bulimia had become a monster in my life.  I would pace in my house going over names of ladies to call for help a hundred times, but not feeling safe with anyone.  I remember laying on the living room floor one day looking at the ceiling and saying, “God,  people say you talk to them!  I am listening!  Why aren’t you talking to me?

I found a number for a “Panic Hotline” that was listed in the newspaper and learned it was at the Christian bookstore!  When I  finally got the nerve up to call, I was told  that it no longer existed.  I was devastated!  But God moved her to have a lady call me.  An hour later, this special stranger to me, called me.   She spent an hour on the phone with me, that alone spoke deeply into my heart. 

She  encouraged me to get a 3x5 spiral  and begin collecting verses.  The verse she gave me to start with was Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.”  She taught me in those few minutes, that the Bible is God’s language, and when it is sown into my heart, He would call it up in times of need ,or times of worship, or just to bless me.  It was the beginning of me learning to hear God.  I also began listening to teachings on the power of the Word of God.

Healing Step 1:  His Word

Step 1 was learning to speak out His Word, believing His power in it.  He was gentle, and He gave me just one verse at a time.  I would write it on a card and just read it over and over, not to memorize, but to survive!  I didn’t know that it was going down deep into my heart this time.  I would linger with one verse for weeks at a time.

Hebrews 4:12 says ^12” For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Isaiah 55:10-11 “¹⁰ As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
… ¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Jeremiah 23:29 "Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?“

It was during this time that Steve began rising up early to pray and read the Word, equally being drawn to God.  He was trying to help me through this season with two small children, while I was in bed, too terrified to pull back the covers each day.

Healing  Step 2:  God loves me, this is true!

I was beginning to learn that God personally loved me.  I had always felt so distanced from God, and so sinful, that I just couldn’t accept that there was a personal love from God.  Especially when I could not conquer fear, fibromyalgia, fatigue, eating disorders such as bulimia.  I began to purposely bathe in Scriptures of His love for me, like:

1 John 4:16  “We know how much God loves us and we have put our trust in Him.”

Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

1 John 3:1  “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the sons of God.  And that is who we are!’

Healing Step 3:  Receiving the truth of God’s Forgiveness

I began to receive God’s forgiveness.  I would ask for forgiveness and say out loud, “I receive Your forgiveness Lord, and I thank you for it.”  Saying it out loud helped me to hear it, not just think it. .   I prayed through many memories as I repented, received His forgiveness, and forgave others, and just began to soak in His love.

That was important for me because I had trouble with compulsive thinking.  I would re-visit a conversation, a thought, an action over and over.  That is also when I began to pray and meditate on 2 Corinthians 10:5:  “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  I would pray that a dozen times a day, walking out my victory verse by verse, day by day.

I began to see that self-hatred was a form of pride.  Self-reliance lead me to self condemnation because I could not fix everything!  Ultimately this lead to humbleness, dying to self, and recognizing my need for His strength and righteousness.

I also began to understand that confession and humility were different from shame and humiliation.  There is such a fine line between redemption and condemnation! 

Isaiah 66:2 “This is the one I esteem;  he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my Word.”

 Isaiah 54:4-5“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
   Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth…
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.”

This passage was especially meaningful to me.  My new found friend/mentor had given this verse to me.  She recognized that the stronghold of fear, in the form of rejection and shame lay heavy on my shoulders.  On my drive home after we prayed together, I truly had a vision!  It was a big black spider web.  All the moments of shame in my life flashed before me, one at a time.  As each one did, the web began to get white, until it was all white!  I had never experienced anything like that before!  As an adult, any small correction or advice from someone else would cause me to feel shame, deep shame, unequal to the size of the mistake I had made. Shame was a monster and God began to stamp it out!  I still begin my prayers, “Lord Jesus, Son of God, Have mercy on me a sinner.”  I feel such grace in these words now.

Isaiah 30:15 “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,”

Isaiah 44:22 “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
    your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
    for I have redeemed you.”

Psalm 51:3  “For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.”

Romans 8:1  “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,”

Step 4.  Dealing With Fear, knowing God is our Defender

I also began to tackle fear with the Word.  It says in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind.”  I would pray that over and over. 

I have also repented to my kids (and still do) for parenting out of “fearful love” instead of “perfect love.”  It says in 1 John 4:18 that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…”  What a delicate shift…

I also prayed Matthew 16:19  and inserted my needs into that verse, “Lord, bind my mind to the mind of Christ, and loose the stronghold of fear in my un-surrendered soul, for what is bound in heaven is bound in earth, and what is loosed in heaven is loosed in earth.”

Healing Step 5:  Control, with God in Control, I am safe!

It is really eye opening when you realize that instead of fearing people, I need to have a Godly fear.  A reverence and a trust in His ways.  Earlier I mentioned Hebrews 12:27-28 says, “This means that the things on earth will be shaken, so that only the eternal things will be left.  Since we are receiving a Kingdom that cannot be destroyed let us be thankful and please God by worshipping Him with Holy fear and awe.  For our God is a consuming fire.” 

The things I was clinging to were of this world, not THE CREATOR.  He was shaking these things loose!  But holding me tight!  As I began to see truth vs. lies in my heart, I began to see that my desperate effort to CONTROL things in order to feel safe, was actually sin.  I did not recognize it before this season in my life.  I was too lost in the “orphan” loop.  But as I began to learn truth I would pray:  
Psalm 19

“Keep your servant also from willful sins;
    may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
    innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴ May the words of my mouth and this meditations of my heart
    be pleasing in your sight,
    Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

Knowledge of the lies, and the behaviors that followed the lies, pointed me to my desperate need of the Cross, and my daily need of grace to overcome sin and unhealthy behaviors,  false gods, that never proved to meet my needs, just make them greater!

Step 6:  Meditating on His Character

What is a Holy fear?  It is a state of mind that comes from studying and meditating on the attributes of God.  For me, now I need to know that He is a God of peace.  Jehovah-Shalom, Romans 16:20 “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.”

Names of God:

Jehovah - the self-existent one: I AM

Jehovah – Jireh  (the LORD will provide)

Jehovah – Rapha  (the LORD who heals)

Jehovah – Nissi  (the LORD our banner)

Jehovah – Shalom  (the LORD our peace)

Jehovah – Raah  (Rohi)  (the LORD my shepherd)

Jehovah -  Tsidkenu  (the LORD our righteousness)

Jehovah – Shammah  (the LORD is present)

Jehovah – Sabaoth  ( the LORD of hosts/armies)

Adonai – (Lord, Master)

Elohim – (Mighty One)

El Elyon – (Most High God)

El Shaddai – ( Almighty God)

El Olam – (Everlasting God)

Yeshua – ( Jesus, Yahweh is Savior)

Christos – (Christ, Messiah)

Step 7:  Total Self Abandonment

I needed to learn to  put on His Robes of Righteousness.

  

Isaiah 61:10

^“…For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
   and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
   and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

Fall into God!  He gives peace in the time of need.  I began learning to abandon my human love cup and be filled with God’s love to overflowing.  Human love hurts because there are always unmet expectations.  But God’s love knows no boundaries. 

The book of Hosea tells His story in a mighty way.  Hosea 1:2-3 “When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the Lord.  So he married Gomer.”

Soon after they marry, she leaves Hosea.  And then God says in Hosea 3:1 “The Lord said to me “Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.  Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites.”

Hannah Hurnard says her book, in Hind’s Feet on High Places, Our goal needs to be to love people more than need them.  “Overflowing pitchers, not leaky cups.”  It says in

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 “All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.” 

“When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort through Christ.  So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation!  For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you…we are confident that as you share in His suffering, you will also share in God’s comfort.”

  

As I began to hear and sense God loving me personally, I began to love others with HIS strength, not my own.  A fresh way to love started to blossom in me!

Conclusion!  “Because God is who He says He is…I am who He says I am!  We are in Christ!

Ephesians chapter 1:  loved, blessed, accepted, redeemed, adopted, chosen, forgiven.

Isaiah 61:10 “…for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,“

I need to put it ALL on the alter. Hurnard, tells an allegory of a girl named “Much Afraid.”  Throughout her journey she came to a new name:  “Grace and Glory.” This is one of my favorite books!  Hurnard refers to Matthew 5:46 “If you love those who love you, what reward have you?”  Hurnard goes on to say “in heaven every one loves everyone else, and in hell no one loves anyone.  But on earth we are in the perfect environment for learning how to love as God loves:  to abandon ourselves to loving the apparently unlovely people who remind us in many ways we are still very unlovely ourselves.”

Finally, it says in Hebrews 13:20-21 “And now, may the God of peace, Who brought you  again from the dead, our Lord Jesus, equip you with all you need for doing His will.  May He produce in you, through the power of  Jesus Christ, all that is pleasing to Him.”

Bridging the gap between then and now:

I have been learning that I can not control things now, any more than I could back then!  Only God can!  When Kristen was in 9th grade we learned she was clinically depressed and struggling with anxiety.  We soon learned that she had been dealing with undiagnosed ADD.  Even in all that, God was doing a special work in her life, and ours.

By 10th grade she was "coming back" and she continues to grow spiritually, and emotionally from day to day.  It was during  a very special time with God on an inner city outreach in Houston, and also at a  summer camp, that God shifted her from the “orphan” heart to an understanding of her relationship IN HIM.  Her testimony  now speaks of "losing" the label "depression, anxiety.".  We believe God has broken the chains of depression and anxiety, praise Him! 

And during this time I had another lesson to learn.  I had begun to try on my own strength to help Kristen not feel pain or depression.  I was forgetting the truth that God brings beauty from ashes and He can be trusted! I didn’t want her to experience my former pain (And I know that sometimes I still try too hard to protect both Kristen and Josh.)  I began to ride the waves of emotion with her and beg her to tell me what was going on inside.  As I’ve mentioned, I have often repented to our kids for parenting out of “fearful love” instead of “perfect love.”  I am now learning to let go for bigger things, like “mom, I want to be a missionary in Honduras.”   And IT FEELS GOOD!!!!  GRACE!  Our family recently went to visit and work along side Kristen with Sparrow Missions in Honduras.  She has almost completed her second summer staff position there.  It was precious for our family to be together there.  Thank you LORD!

Since then, I have experienced “grace” in seasons that would normally “rock” my world.  Things we all experience when doing life together.  I want to add right here, that I still take medication.  I do struggle with generalized anxiety disorder and fibromyalgia.  But many of you have seen miraculous deliverance in one way or another at one time or another.  I owe it all to Him, daily.  I believe it is OK to take medicine!!  There is a chemical component for some people that is the same as a diabetic needing insulin.  My husband is a neuroscientist and has explained brain chemistry to me and strongly encouraged me to trust the doctors in this for myself and for Kristen.  But just as God has lead us to the right medication, He has most often met me in undeniable “God moments” through scripture and moves to action that are way outside of what I would ever do.

Finally, I find that Romans 8:6 helps me identify how I am doing. Romans chapter 8 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.

Romans 8:6 “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.”

Yes, I am still learning!  Thank  you Lord for always teaching me,  may I always have a teachable heart!  It’s a process.  It says in 2 Corinthians 3:18  “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

When we put on Scripture, get dressed in HIS robes, we can move/push into the darkness, not flee from it.  We can walk assured that He has assigned our portion and cup and He is our Refuge.  Ps. 16:1 says "Keep me safe, O God.  For in You I take refuge.  Verse 5-6 say "Lord, You assigned me my portion and my cup;  You have made my lot secure.  The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance...I will praise the Lord, Who counsels me;  even at night my heart instructs me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."  

If  the "things hoped for" part feels too far away, cling to just one verse right now.  Write it, carry it, read it, pray it.  It is full of living power.  Don't look at all the obstacles, or even at other stories and wonder how that could ever be true for you.  I always use the corny line with Kristen, "how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time." Fine a verse that speaks to your need and His character, and cling...He will do the rest!  

Just a quick summary of the lies and the truths God is replacing in my heart.  There is an awesome diagram that summarizes these truths.  It comes from author Ruthie Delk in her book Craving Grace

                                                  LIES

I WAS:                                    I BECAME:

Rejected                                  Bitter

Abandoned                             Controlling

Judged                                     Afraid

Hurt                                         Isolated

                                                 TRUTHS

HE IS:                                    I AM:

In Control                              Secure         Psalm 16:1

Accepting me                        Accepted     Ephesians 1

Lover                                      Loved           1 John 1:3

Provider Jehovah Jireh      Cared for     Luke 12:6, Matthew 6

Defender                                Unafraid     2 Timothy 1:7, 1 John 4:8

Righteous                              Righteous    Isaiah 61:10

Redeemer                              Forgiven      Isaiah 30:15, Psalm 130

"He who calls is faithful, He also will do it."  1 Thess 5:24

“The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”  John 1:5

References:

The Bible

Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Craving Grace Like Chocolate, by Ruthie Delk